i wish, for your sake, that i could be happier in this silence.

in these moments of weakness, i keep remembering things that have long gone. i dream of them, and everything that was there. everything that was not there. everything that could, or could not, have been. i wish that i could say i was stronger. maybe tomorrow i will forget about it, but it will always be there, somewhere deep inside my memories. and it will always, always resurface, somehow, when my concentration lapses and i am arrogant enough to think that i can overcome it.

but in the end...

my ceiling is no longer leaking, but other things are dripping down. my whole bathroom area appears to have been hacked, and i only found out about it when i got home tonight.

ordinarily one doesn't feel any sense of loss - from losing things that don't appear meaningful, things you just use and throw away. but now there is a sinking feeling as i realise what all this means. that things are getting old, crumbling, something is falling apart. maybe it's the house, or everything it represents.

like a bad apple.

my exam is in less than 48 hours. i don't know if i can remember enough. i don't know if what i do will be enough. i never know, and when i look back i'll always know i could have done it another way, though i wouldn't have done it any other way, because i'm who i am. and every time i regret it and tell myself, this is not the end, i realise that therein lies the problem - it is not the end. it never will be. and so when will i find the urge and drive to push myself hard enough because i think, it will all be over by then? there are only so many times you can fool yourself into thinking that one last spurt is enough.

my heart needs to settle down, and stop wandering.

i feel so - empty - there's no other way to describe it. it's a sinking feeling, down into that abyss, and whether it's from fear or loathing, no one knows.

all these scrabble games played recently have reminded me of one thing; which is that when i am brilliant, i am absolutely brilliant. when i fail, i fail spectacularly. all the other times, i just seek to get by on an average existence. in other words, i am mediocre.

i remember a few months ago, somebody asked me whether i would ever feel intimidated by working with so many guys. and i thought about it but could not think of a reason why i should. i may be female, yes, but i am not handicapped. if there is anything that going to school (RGS) taught me, it is that nothing should limit me at all. nothing, beyond what you can control - and if you cannot control it, there must be some way to fight yourself out of it. so of all things, why men? why especially men? men are not mystical creatures, and they cannot do everything. and this sounds feminist, but it is not. it is just another way of recognizing that sexuality is really not so big of a deal, and people should stop making it sound like it is.

i know there are societies in which this is not the case, but sexuality, if anything, can be the most and least of our problems.

#

just now we talked, mostly while i was half-asleep because i was so tired. strange now that i am awake again, mostly because i had to find the energy to get up and write this down before it went away.

my feelings are mixed. they are there and they are not there, and part of me yearns to settle down into a comfortable routine because it is there. that sounds hurtful, but it was not meant to be, and i don't know how to explain it.

#

j k rowling says dumbledore is gay. david yates says he knew for a long time, but he never thought it was an issue. and it isn't, though talking about it makes it somewhat of an issue. and so out of so many adjectives to describe a kind, loving, grandfatherly figure, why choose gay? why characterize somebody by his sexuality? (we've gone down this road too many times) so it was a smart move, maybe it was a strategic move, and i welcomed it, just like any other hp slash fan. and yet, now that i come to think about it, dumbledore may not have been so gay after all. yes, he did love grindelwald. but i'm inclined to think that was because grindelwald happened to be a boy, and not otherwise. and again, grindelwald's gender is not paramount. can you ever really fall for someone's character? you can't fuck a brain, that's true, but it's not just all about sex.

my two cents.

#

exams are coming. my CLT paper is in 4 days, and i have no idea what is going on. i hate these newfangled computerized ways of examination. what's wrong with pen and paper? and since when is a "take-home" examination only 2 hours long? that's ridiculous. it's more like a "take your exam at home" paper. maybe that's what it means. i am annoyed.

this is for you, because you think, after all this while, that you can harm me with your easy words.

over these few years, i have learnt to be stronger. nowhere chronicles my maturation through adolescence as well as this place, with all its memories and ramblings and half-baked teenage loves. things i thought i remembered feeling, but don't. things i would rather forget. everything else is somewhere else, on a page that no longer exists. sometimes this is for the better.

as it seems, i'm never strong enough. something will always get me down, and it's always the same thing. hurtful words, a little jab here and there, things that shouldn't matter, but do, and end up hurting the most of all. it's those snatches and whispers that i overhear through the door, over the television, murmurs and grumbles over the heat of the kitchen and the hiss of the steam. a word, or two, or nothing, on a blog that you think i don't read. those gurgles above the water i hear when you think i'm swimming, but no, i'm just pretending i don't exist, so you can continue talking. i have made a habit of pretending not to know anything, because it seems easier for everyone involved, but it never seems enough to deal with it all.

and the question i ask myself is, why do i bother? why do i have to? it is not even my fault, my inner childish heart cries, but the answer is that i don't. i don't have to. none of this is necessary, but it is essential. there is a technical difference between the two. consideration may be nominal, but it must also be substantial. when i first came into law school i did not understand the difference. how could something be nominal and substantial at the same time? how can something not be neccessary but be essential? and now i know - that it is unnecessary because you will not die without it. it is essential because you cannot live without it. and so i shut it out because there is no way else i can continue living my own life, without its shadow hanging over my head. this may sound self-indulgent, and objectively it does, but come down to the root of it i realise that yes, perhaps it is really a childish stubbornness to admit that families do not last forever.

they don't. nobody tells you what happens after the fairytale ends.

maybe some'd argue that i should learn to live with it. but no, i am a kid. i am a child, and i am their child. my job on earth as their child is not to learn how to live with it. this is one truth i will never accept, even if i already objectively acknowledge it as the truth. i stubbornly cling on to my own blind faith that somehow things will work out and i will never have to face the prospect of explaining to my kid why mummy's parents don't stay together anymore - and will i ever leave daddy?

no.

why am i so honest here where i could not be elsewhere? and i know the answer - it is not that i am writing for an audience, but this place reminds me that those who know this place are those who have grown up with me, who have read my writing, who have known my troubles since the day it started. to post elsewhere would invite unnecessary questions, from people who do not understand, from people who require explaining to, all over again.

and so, to borrow a phrase that used to mean much more, we have come full circle.

i could write a sad and lengthy farewell post, but i won't. instead i'll consider whether i should move all my archives over, or to just let it stay here. in any case, four years is a long time. and it's funny to think i've been blogging since i was 14, and how much five years can change. you'll find me at supermango.wordpress.com.

supermango, incidentally, is also a word in aldous huxley's island. random trivia, i know. but it caught me the first time i ever read it, which is a long time ago.

my mum just took away my last remaining source of money!!! i'm condemned to be broke now for the period that is the next month before school starts. argh? dead broke = not funny. maybe i shouldn't have spent so much on friday.. hmph.

yesterday was pretty funny though. but i was majorly majorly tired. >_<

met up with K. today and had a long, long chat at jurong point after school. honestly walking from the interchange to law fac is damn not fun, especially in the rain carrying a bright red umbrella, with some macho guy walking next to me on the way to temasek hall blatantly without an umbrella. i didn't know whether to offer to shelter him or not, but he looked like the strong sportsman kind that needed to prove something to himself so i just let him be. :D it's been a long time since i had crystal jade, and i just spent about like 100 bucks today, which is kind of amazing, i realised. but i haven't bought stuff from sports shops in a damn long time, and now i have new shorts to wear that are not ratty fbts! cheer!!!

i haven't taken photos in a damn long while. maybe i should start again, but i need to find my damn camera.. oops. :x

everyone, regardless of past lives, has a life to lead. and we go on into the present without looking at ourselves in the past for fear we find something we don't wish to see. you meet people and first impressions always are the same after awhile. everybody's nice and happy till they actually find the time and energy to piss you off. and everyone has secrets, everyone hides something. it's something we don't talk about, the little things that we do without (when that whole mad season comes around) - but somehow those who know know. and when you dig deeper beneath the surface, you find that everybody is similarly fucked up. i talk as if i know what i'm talking about, as usual, but as usual i don't.

it's been a hectic week. it's going to be a hectic week. i don't know what the hell zidane was doing, but in any case i lost most of my interest in the world cup after italy kicked germany out. by the time south africa rolls around, i'd probably have one last year of uni to go while everyone else around me graduates...

i keep having things to say that i don't remember. argh!

in a minute there is time
for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. /t s eliot

i don't have much to say that's actually been going well these past few days. first my head is in a mess, then brazil got kicked out, and germany was two minutes away from being in the finals. there's nothing really worse than seeing people you like leaving all at the same time. which reminds me that that's going to happen soon, in september, while i wave everyone happily off. maybe leaving would have been better, but now that's too late. it used to be a cause of regret, but i've sort of come to terms with it. and you make the best of life as you can.

so what happens now? it's not something staying up late or surrounding yourself with people will help. things could change for so much worse or better, and i don't even really know what the hell i'm talking about. remember that line - ? - "not better or worse, just - different"? things have changed, imperceptibly, and they may be things we can't control.

after last night's horrific and traumatic encounter P. and i managed to get two hours of sleep before we woke up to go to school - and i think of it as school already - to go practise for rag day which was actually pretty fun, except we snuck off with the rest of the og to go find ducky who was working at isetan. JQ and i paired up and did funny stunts which included him spinning me 360degrees - abit like riding a rollercoaster - and it was fun except for the part where i accidentally sat on his head. but it's funny how the days seem so empty now.

i've got to go out again -

life's probably never been as fucked up as it is now - it's been a pretty long time since i had to go through stuff like this. i could have said alot of things, but i chose not to in the end. it's a bit like how it is with my mum. i need a time-out.

slow dancing on the boulevard in the quiet moments while the city's still dark
sleepwalking through the summer rain in the tired spaces you could hear her name
when she was warm and tender and you held her arms around you
there was nothing but her love and affection
she was crazy for you now she's part of something that you lost

and for all you know
this could be the difference between what you need and what you wanna be

night swimming in her diamond dress making small circles move across the surface
stand watching on the steady shore feeling wide open and waiting for
something warm and tender now she's moving further form you
there was nothing that could make it easy on you
every step you take reminds you that she's walking on

and for all you know
this could be the difference between what you need and what you wanna be

every word you never said
echoes down your empty hallway
everything that was your world just came down

day breaking on the boulevard feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
light swimming right across your face and you think maybe someday yeah maybe someday

for all you know this could be
the difference between what you need and what you want

tonight's conversation with kenny and joel in the car was ... illuminating, to say the least. there are really alot of possibilities, heh. after we got kicked out of alleybar because JY wasn't wearing shoes, we decided to go to timbre. and then it was too late, since friday nights are disgustingly crowded. so we ended up back in joel's house watching the game. talk about heart attack!!! argh. jens lehmann is probably germany's new hero.. and today's game just reconfirmed the fact that ballack is useless. omg! seriously.

don't you find it funny how people appear and disappear on my blog by way of initials? it's like as i get to know more people, they just appear when i feel like it but it feels weird when you don't know who i'm talking about. and then it goes back to the whole debate on whether blogging is a personal or public thing, which i have no energy to go through now. eugh.

my og is seriously super fun. see!


okay the second one is a re-enaction of what transpired during one of the games. she had to shampoo his hair and both of them had to make orgasmic noises the whole time. it was better than mine at least.. which was highly embarrassing. :x i only have pictures from the formal dinner because everything before that was all physical and we were too tired. after that we were too whacked up. the first is.. ducky's hard gay impersonation, which i failed to catch at the exact moment he thrust his hips forward. ahahahhaah :x






there was a whole blind date thing going on with everybody, even with the total guy/girl imbalance. and so here's ann darrow and king kong! hahah (:


the og 7 girls! without elaine. hmmm


and our table without the blind dates - but dumb seniors at the back


og 7 and councillors and ogls (:


and the obligatory brokeback mountain picture, kindly brought to you by ducky and pat! hahah (:


okay i'm going to crash again zzzz. more soccer tomorrow! 4-2 baby (:

there've been lots of things. failed attempts to eat cup noodles, sleeping with unlocked doors, always rushing to be the first in the toilet, getting dirty, getting blindfolded, getting sunburnt, getting hit on, hitting on people, getting injured, getting soaped up and egged on. crawling through the mud, playing captain's ball, always drinking water. the waterbombs, the gang fights, the showdowns and the bridge games, watching south park and hard gay in the middle of the night. going without sleep the whole day, having blind dates and formal dinners that weren't really formal. getting jacked by councillors, being lied to, getting wet in the pool, doing dumb forfeits, always losing, trannies, dirty jokes, clubbing the whole night through without having to pay a single cent, getting lifts from og mates. it was pretty damn fun.

it really helps to know powerful people :x 20 people got into MOS free last night, the guys paid for drinks, and ducky's attempt to make me drunk didn't really work, even though i kept losing at dumb drinking games. the VIP lounge was fun, as well as dancing in like some great big circle and moving from hiphop to retro. luckily it wasn't too crowded, and it was pretty relaxing, even though my feet hurt like shit at the end. but that was the most fun i've had clubbing in a damn long while. law people are crazy >_<

and because we didn't get any sleep last night, i'm going to crash now. soccer tonight!

i've just realised the actual amount of work i have to do to get a double degree. it looks really, really daunting ... and now i have to go see what courses are good to do and choose for myself once i get there. argh why didn't i just stick to law? and then, orientation is next week. i don't particularly feel like going, but i know i'll change my mind when i get there. it's just that the prospect of spending another 5 days sleeping there is a bit sian - and people wonder why i don't want to stay in the hostel. eeeek.

also, i need to get my hands on lost girls by alan moore. looks like a potentially interesting read.

as with all boredom-filled posts, i'm here with what is euphemistically known as a journey of self-discovery. this always happens when i'm bored, and it always seems endless, the number of questions that can be thrown at you that range from random and pointless to even vaguely poignant. anyway this picture was taken just outside my hotel. mongkok is a really interesting place; the hotel almost seems out of place there, and its adjoining mall. it's a bit like staying in a posh hotel in the middle of shibuya. there are a million kids dressed in weird outfits around, there's loud music blaring everywhere, and in between the ubiquitous 'massage parlours' there are pockets of tradition around, like the medicinal shop selling herbs right outside the entrance to the MTR. there are gangsters, fast cars, crowded pedestrian streets, which turn off into dark quiet alleys with a neon 7-11 sign sticking out. i think sometimes the problem with singapore is that it's too small. there aren't enough places to explore, though it certainly could be colourful if you tried. but everything, even on the surface, is so clean and organised and there's no riotous mess for you to get thrown in. singapore isn't confusing. it wasn't made to be, it's one of those cities in which you can find your way home safely in the middle of the night. there's not much to worry about by way of a seedy underbelly. singapore's not dangerous, or thrilling, or individual. every shopping mall is the same, and there aren't people on the streets living on the edge of the law. big cities always have too many people, though our country is one big city, it's not the same. from colony to colony, it's funny how differently things have developed.

anyway.

How many keys are on your keychain? four. one for the small door in my gate, one for the grill/gate thing in front of my door, one for my front door, one for the boy's front door.
What curse word do you use the most? fuck? i don't think damn really counts as a swear word these days anymore..
Do you own an iPod? yes. and on a sidenote, because i thought it was interesting - i went to the apple store with my mum on saturday to upgrade my laptop RAM and she stood in front of the ipods considering if she should get one. she turned to me and said, should i get the nano or the shuffle? but the nano looks cooler right? i want to look cool! and while i was still stunned by her apparent coolness (which mum buys herself an ipod?! then again, my dad has one too.. but he uses it as a hard disk, sheesh) she continued, it's so irritating to keep changing the cds in the car. aha, my friends, cure your parents of technophobia. it most probably will benefit you.
What time is your alarm clock set for? it was set for 9am this morning, but i didn't wake up till 11.25. heehee.
How many suitcases do you own? one. i'm not an obsessive packer like my mum, who never fails to over-bring clothes.
Do you wear flip-flops even when it's cold outside? i wear flip-flops as much as is humanly endurable. allow me to declare my undying love for them now. they're so casual and comfortable, and even though i confess to wearing heels on occasion nowadays (because my mother forces me to) nothing beats walking around/shopping in slippers. i mean, it's even easier to try on shoes and stuff, right?!
Where do you buy your groceries from? cold storage? NTUC? my mum buys from like, everywhere..
Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? hum. depends on whether the picture should even have people in it!
What was the last movie you watched? silent hill, hahahaha. and i watched half of ray on HBO yesterday
Do any of your friends have children? erm, thankfully no
If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you would buy? dinner (:
Has anyone ever called you lazy? *coughs*
Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? once, during exams.
What CD is currently in your CD player? i haven't used it in like a million years. but i love it anyway ♥
Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? regular
Has anyone told you a secret this week? probably not
When was the last time someone hit on you? quite awhile back i think. i mean, the boy didn't even hit on me... haha :x it was probably when i was out with D. last month and some waiter asked for my number at the pool table
What did you have for dinner? last night it was swensen's!
Do you wear hoodies often? not really. i only have one, but that's like a ski jacket :x
Can you whistle? *coughs*
Have you ever participated in a protest? not really
Who was the last person to call you? the boy
What is your favorite ride at an amusement park? the octopus/monster/thing that spins around really fast and assures you at least once that you'll die whilst riding it. :D the roller coasters, especially the ones that loop. i love this shit
Do you think people talk about you behind your back? of course. who doesn't?
What area code are you in right now? 53. i don't know which district it is though.. ahahah
Did you watch cartoons as a child? are you kidding? the magic school bus! the answer to all your biological problems!
How big is your local mall? i do not think i have one.
How many siblings do you have? none!
Are you shy around the opposite sex? not really, i guess. guys are more frank, and full of shit, and funny. not to say i haven't met females who met all 3 Fs (ahaha to be Female and Frank and Full of shit and Funny! 4 Fs! win) but those inevitably have some masculine quality in them, by which i mean, they, like me, think most women are somewhat dumb. sorry :x
What is your biggest regret? right now? you know what it is right now. maybe something will come along and change my mind.
When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt? during CAP when B. was trying to speak chinese while our nerves were all frazzled by the damn copier. "ni see ni see, zhe ge thing bu ke yi work!!!" i think i nearly choked.
What movie do you know every line to? the hours. ahahahha that's cos i have the screenplay. HAHHA and the sound of music. but i also have the screenplay for that. me = nerd.
Do you own any band t-shirts? i have a beatles t-shirt! and a rolling stones one, which i never wear cos it's too transparent
When was your last plane ride? last wednesday! a flight which we nearly couldn't get on, even. blah.
How many chairs are at your dining room table? six
Do you read for fun? and laughter, and peace and joy
Can you speak any languages other than English? mandarin? my chinese has improved significantly since i went to mongolia, and started driving. when everyone around you speaks almost exclusively chinese, you better learn how to communicate or you lose majorly.
Do you do your own dishes? no :x
What color is your bedroom painted? pale yellow
Have you ever cried in public? yes and it's embarrassing
Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? both
Which do you make, wishes or plans? both.
Are you always trying to learn new things? hrm. due to my laziness i would say i'm a person who learns due to circumstance and not voluntarily :x
Do you shower on a daily basis? errr.
Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? i want to reopen my earhole, dammit.
Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date? aha, this is a trick question. of course you should pay on the first date. or at least offer to. it's only right, since you don't even really know each other yet. but of course he should insist, and then when he does, graciously give in and LET HIM PAY AHAHAH!
Can you skip rocks? noo. me = loser.
Have you ever been to Jamaica? no.
What to snack on at the movie theaters? hotdogs, or nuggets. nothing crunchy. i like salty popcorn, but i hate the sound it makes in the cinema, it annoys me like crazy. like let me hear the damn movie!!! argh.
Who was your favorite teacher? Teacher or prof? mr miles. (:
Have you ever dated someone out of your race? i think i might have dated an alien once, but that was it. (and now he's going to kill me because i insulted him)
What is the weather like? SUNNY!
Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? err, no. i mean, it's just unnerving. it's like he has skin disease or something. or if none of his natural skin showed, he'd be what, GREEN? >_<
Do you have an online journal? uh, no. not at all.
What was your favorite class in high school? literature and social studies.
Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes? yes, until i'm in the sky and start thinking about the 34645 ways we could crash.
What personality trait is a must-have in your preferred gender? humour, music, not narrow-minded.
Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive? that is a highly subjective question, no?
When was the last time you slept on the floor? quite a long time ago, haha
What is your favorite alcoholic drink? don't know.. i just drink whatever tastes good
Does your closest Starbucks have a drive-thru? nope.
Do you like your living arrangement? it's okay.
What is your mother's hometown? err. geylang?
How many hours of sleep do you need to function? i can usually survive with three or four.
Do you eat breakfast daily? nope.
What was the last thing to scare you? random unpeoply things?
Are your days full and fast-paced? not really hahaha
Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class? haha you can add eating and sleeping to the list too! i never got caught for smsing though
What is your favorite fruit? seedless green grapes. they must be seedless because i'm lazy (same reason i don't eat oranges or anything that has seeds in it) and green because they're tangy and sharp. the red variety is too sweet for me.. but in contrast, i hate sour strawberries. strawberries are great if they're fresh and eaten with cream/sugar. omg. heaven :O
Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? er no i only pay attention to the ingredients
How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 20. eek
Are you picky about spelling and grammar? quite
Do you believe in life on other planets? not really. but there are some people here i strongly believe should belong on another planet...
Have you ever been to Six Flags? no.
Who was the last person to piss you off? good question.
Do you believe that God has a gender? no.
What was the last thing you ate? those meiji peach-flavoured gummies covered in yoghurt and chocolate. MMMM
Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex? wasn't this question asked already?
What did you dress up as for your first Halloween? thankfully i was spared this experience...
How did your parents pick your name? they came across in a baby book. haha
Do you like mustard? it's okay.
What do you tell yourself when times get hard? OMG WE LOSE!
Would you ever sky dive? well, in theory, yes. but i'm the kind that will agree on impulse and then regret it all the way up into the sky while in the helicopter asking myself, why the fuck did you agree to this?! and then, seeing the rest of them jump over like they really want to be dead and floating from the sky, i'll decide, ah heck, let's not think about it and down i go. like the rain. floating over the sky. how poetic.
Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? back and side. i find sleeping on your tummy really weird. how does anyone breathe?! oh but i can sleep pretty well bent over and cross-legged. my flexibility usually sucks but i can manage to do this comfortably, with my head on the floor while my butt is sitting cross-legged on the ground. it's how i managed to get through 4 years of wednesday assemblies :D
What character from a movie most reminds you of yourself? i don't know. i rarely do the process of self-identification with a single character.
Have you ever bid for something on ebay? no because i don't have a credit card. but zat's changing too, heh!
What do you think of Angelina Jolie being pregnant? what sort of name is nouvel? but shiloh is quite nice.
Do you enjoy giving hugs? depends on who you are, obviously.
Would you consider yourself to be fashionable? i wear what i like, which is most of the time not fashionable but okay-looking. i mean, how can you go out of fashion wearing t-shirts and jeans?! i haven't bought anything cropped yet, though. i guess that's a good thing. i like classic things, that look timeless. like well-cut jackets and things. i mean, if you're going to spend money, you might as well make sure it lasts, no? buy less, but buy better!
Do you own a digital camera? yes
If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? guilty.
What celebrities have you been compared to? aha! one. some chinese singaporean singer, whose name i know, but i shan't tell you.
Who is your favorite Star Wars character? C3PO :D
Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do? YES.
What books, if any, have made you cry? mostly trashy romance novels. i tend to cry at most admissions of love. i'm soppy like that.
Do you think you're attractive? when i'm drunk. and when the boyfriend tells me so.
What are you allergic to? dust, sweat, sun. that's like everything.
Are you a jealous person? it doth mock the meat it feeds on. :D SHAKESPEARE!
What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? not advisable. just make sure both sides enter (haha) with the same expectations.
Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat? no?
If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been? eugene. don't you agree i'm better off being female? (stop laughing.)

so, i'm back. actually i've been back for two days. and i had internet access all the way through in hongkong but somehow i was just too lazy to blog. in any case it was a fun time had by all, which included sneaking out with my dad at night to creep down to the club lounge two floors down to swipe (more) free drinks unbeknownst to my mother, who would skin us both alive if she found out. ah, the wonders of alcohol. i think mongkok at night is really quite interesting, though i didn't have much chance to explore it fully. portland street, as always, is haunted by the ghosts of gangsters and their phantom cars or something. nobody dares to stop or their windshields (screens? what do you call those? i suddenly forgot) get whumped. woooo.

the weather was abominable, tragically, as i was telling HZ last night. places were flooding, trees were getting blown down, and when you walk in town the neon lights and signs flap and flutter about above your head as if they're going to drop on you anytime. naturally, i spent most of the time holed up in some shopping mall or another, which really was the point of this trip anyway (besides spending time with my dad, who actually didn't have much time at all, since he was holed up in tai koo having some silly company workshop which lasted two full days). so, the loot was pretty good. and i've probably spent enough to justify not shopping for the next 6 months, which is kinda bad to come to think about it, but it's not really my money, so ha. and my scholarship monthly allowance shall be trickling in soon, though it's probably going towards paying my car instalments, hohoho. but i still want to buy things! like pretty earrings and nice tops and stuff. i realised hongkong has great variety but all their tops look like they've come out straight of a japanese wardrobe. they're all cutesy and lacey and/or have great big holes in them and are loose and paired with funny seams and crazy hair and knee-length shorts and, um, not my style, no. whee.

i think i have this thing for white. i have like 348769846 white shirts, more white t-shirts, now i've just bought two white blazers, and a vaguely white bag. (it's gotten dirrrrty.) and i have new jeans!!!! (a triumph.) my life, i dare say, is somewhat complete. hrmmmz.

oh and, the heineken bottles are different. they're made of aluminium. like a sigg bottle :O not those dinky glass bottles we get here! i brought one back just for keepsakes. (do you smell swakoo+++) it's like i'll never see them again in my life. ah, happy souvenir. i brought back a postcard for N., but i couldn't find a rock for SQ. not that there weren't rocks there, but since i spent most of my time indoors and the time i spent on the amazingly rock-free streets was minimal (not that i didn't actually look) and where there were rocks, i was sitting in the car (ie on the hills next to the highway).

also i think i've had enough wanton mee to last me a long, long while.

i scrambled to the library yesterday and borrowed three books, so now i'm happily entertained till the boy books out of camp. he's doing something in some other camp today (i don't know if i'm supposed to know this/ say it out so i should shut up about it) - speaking of him we watched silent hill last night, which made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. and it wasn't really scary per se, it was just gross, and we all know how i shy away from gross things. strangely enough i have no problem with blood, or gore, i just find people who don't look human slightly disturbing... which may explain why i wanted to be a doctor once upon a time (thankfully neekypuff has decided to take that route so... FREE CONSULTATION IN FUTURE! lots of money saved pls :D) and i neither wanted to watch alien or predator or alien vs predator etcetcetc. i think i even got slightly spooked out by signs, which had joaquin phoenix (yaye) but random black weird alien-y type things which were so disturbing. the boy spent about 15 minutes explaining the ending to me after the movie, and thanks to my overactive imagination, i actually tried to pee as fast as possible while in the toilet alone at 11.30pm just so i could get out before the place could start burning up and there were random un-peopley things chasing after me. this is probably not the first time. i distinctly remember running up the stairs in my house as fast as possible in the night so the (imaginary) t-rex wouldn't get to me....

that was after watching jurassic park. haha. i get spooked out by the weirdest shit, which includes LOTR: the first instalment, which i tremblingly told J. about a few years back, and he just laughed at me. grrrr. see what i mean? orcs are random un-peopley things too!!! hrrrrmph.

rawr.

i think that Life has something against me. it's clearly not in anybody's plan to let me get fit, since i twisted my ankle - twice - yesterday while playing badminton. i just can't land properly on my feet for some reason, since i clearly remember the first time i encountered the horrible injury that is the wonky ankle when i was 12 trying to land after catching a rebound on court. which level of retardation have i possibly reached? it didn't hurt so much yesterday, but today it's been a bitch to walk around. every time i step on it i feel like i never want to walk ever again. plehh. :( maybe i should just stick to swimming. but i could sprain my back! maybe Life has really condemned me to a perpetual state of unfit-ness in which i slowly vegetate and become a blob of white pap.

so the pictures are here! well a bunch of us went for production two saturdays ago, and it was pretty good. funny, the set was good, actors wonderful, but maybe a little obscure. and a bit of jokes were lost because the audience didn't stop laughing yet - aha, the things you learn working with drama people - but anyway. not too bad (:



and this is what happened at cap:
all the workshops,


the stupid sai kang shit,


the stuff that kept us going,



and the people who made it all worthwhile,



and lastly, the dinner!




and also this, which made me seriously want to smack them, but i have to admit it was pretty funny:

also, i think the guy who stayed in this room wasn't even from hwachong - haha.

on saturday my cousin got married. naturally it was a time of photowhoring:


and here i am with various cousins





and this is my family!

horrendously dorky, as you can see.



and that concludes my horrendously huge picture post! hahahhahaa. the joys of digital cameras.

this is my first post in blogger on my new laptop! and it looks swellll (:

remember the sleepless nights. the nights where we stayed up, staying together, trying to force other people apart. the days where we woke up an unearthly times, if we evere slept at all, waiting to shout at people. to lead people like lost sheep here and there, to look for people as if we'd lost them forever. 14 little bo peeps, all over the place. there was a time when all this didn't exist, when everything was normal and we were normal people. and then everything changes within a day or two, when nice people become cranky, who snap at each other and everything else. frantic typing on various laptops trying to save the day, to dish out everyone's daily sustenance before we got to go to bed, after a day's worth of complaints and advice, and preparation for the next day - the loss of thumb drives, the paper cuts. the machines that screamed 'misfeed in copier', the way three of us stood there and nearly burst into tears. random gabbled chinese because B. was panicking like crazy, eating chocolate to keep him awake. always waiting half an hour for the bus to arrive, my blood on somebody else's paper. screwing up a sorting sequence, having to do it manually, alone, with people screaming at you and a deadline to stand on the right side of. remember the signs everywhere, the things we had to do. the late night breakdowns, eating instant noodles with a styrofoam cup for a spoon. writing, always writing, always trying not to sleep. lining up four chairs in a row to lie down, where the teachers see you and don't care. sleeping right under the professor's nose. the way the world outside forgot to exist, and suddenly this became all there was, all there was to worry about and forget about. the world shrank to such a small size. so much paperwork, so little sleep. getting stuff written on your hand because you made a decision you'd probably regret forever. telling everyone here was where you were going to be. getting ready, getting geared up, then getting tired again. you lose people only to find them where they were. you wake up to find you never went to sleep. you cry to find out you were never upset. and you realise the 14 people you spent 5 days with are more than just councillors.

this whole week's been hell. i have about 350 pictures (250 throughout the week, since i was always either 1 running around frantically or 2 sleeping. my life seems to consist of alternately panicking and slacking...) anyway the past week was spent in CAP with various exciting times and several upsetting incidents, and random bits of stolen sleep here and there, since most of us slept less than 3 hours every night. it's not easy, really. the reason why i'm not posting the pictures up yet is because i'm still trying to get used to the new OS. yes i bought a mac!!! omg it looks so cool - but my dad uses a macbook pro and he's been giving me tutorials... haha! yes my dad is back!

so after that fascinatingly long week which ended in a standing ovation for prof patke while B. nodded off - poor boy's been dying of lack of sleep - my cousin's wedding was today. which saw me waking up at an unearthly time (again) to help out, since i was angbao i/c. i was really really tempted to run off with the money, but i decided that was just really mean... haha. after the church wedding was over, we had some time before the wedding dinner (which had fantabulous food by the way) so we went laptop-scouting, since there was a PC fair on at suntec or something... but i got converted by my daddy (and popagandhi's various advertisements.. haha A.!) anyway my mac's been great so far. (: but my ipod is #@%(#&^^-ing empty due to some stupid mistake i made, and now i can't get my files back :(

i'm going to hongkong next week! it's been a long time since i had a holiday with my family. like, three of us together. so even if it's nearby, i don't mind. i realised my schedule is horrifyingly tight to fit in anything longer than a week - i just realised i have a shitload of scholarship rubbish to settle, including asking NUS if they'll sponsor me for the 5th year - and my dad's is even worse. oh well. at least there's shopping (: it doesn't really take very much to satisfy me these days, i realised. and i go to hongkong too often. argh.

anyway i'm really sleepy. i've been running around the whole of 6 days, surviving on minimal sleep, so i'll go catch up now.

i've just about reached the end of that string. i don't know how i'm going to continue doing anything tomorrow or on saturday, even for my cousin's wedding, because i'm just so tired of being on the receiving end of things that haven't been conceived with enough thought, things that just go wrong without people intending them to be that way. so many things are blown out of proportion, and the feeling seriously sucks. somehow it just feels like the straw that broke the camel's back--things are changing, things have changed. sometimes you feel as if you want to get close to someone, that certain relationships must be maintained, but then something happens and you get disappointed in things all over again. arghhhh. this was something i believed in.

one good thing about the end of may - the sales are here! sad to say there was a fruitless shopping trip with my mum on thursday even though she was very willing to buy me stuff, we went back empty-handed anyway. but the rest of the shops in town are vaguely on sale and that makes me happy! and CK is 50% off till 28 may so everyone should go see! even though it was pretty messed up by the time i got there... and i'm desperately waiting for ninewest to go on sale because i'm going to get that pair of heels somehow - even if it isn't in time for my cousin's wedding. it's now my mission to find a cheaper version of that design so i don't have to pay so much for it in case i can't convince my mum to get it for me. i don't even know if i can walk in them. ha. though it was pretty funny standing in them and trying to see if i was taller than the boy (evidently not) and realising that he's actually taller than i thought he was. oops.

i'm running my bank account to a new low. i just divested myself of quite a tidy sum of money because of J.'s return from the US with my things, i bought two new tops, and i just spent $50 bucks on a drama serial vcd. oh yes. i never thought i'd fall into this trap - buying the entire vcd series! and it's not even a japanese or korean drama - it's taiwanese! everyone faint now - it's one of those ou xiang ju! - but ohh, the main actor is seriously yummy. and the storyline is pretty weird but the characters are quirky and the actors have hilarious expressions. it makes me laugh alot (: and it's pretty sweet, which appeals to stupid people like me, who giggle at this sort of thing. i'm even watching it a second time after finishing all 20 episodes over 2 nights. and yes, i am aware of how uncool i just made myself sound.

all rational thought flies out the window when the great singapore sale is here!

***
in other news, and because i know everyone is just hanging on my decision wrt university (hoho), i'm not going to london after all. i will probably forever regret it, but there are other reasons better left unsaid holding me back. but business/law isn't such a bad combination yes? (comfort me!) which explains my frantic buying spree recently just to convince myself that staying here is a good idea in the end. but i always believe - when god closes the door, somewhere he opens the window. and i can be satisfied knowing i'll be doing what i want to be doing with the rest of my life.